Pocket Lint

Doing a bit of the old very short story writing again. Here's today's.

***

Pocket Lint

Alison put her hands in her pockets and pulled out the lint. She sprinkled it into the wastepaper basket.

She was not happy with the way this had turned out. Her limbs felt heavy and the atmosphere conspired to push her head down inside her neck.

She would not let this be the end of it. Alison would not let this be the end.

Peter placed his hand gently on her forearm.

Alison cursed him under her breath as she had him tilt his head back and held a tissue to his nose to stem the flow of blood.

“What the hell was that for?” asked Peter.

“For touching me, you idiot, what did you think it was for?”

“I was trying to comfort you.”

“I didn’t need comforting, I needed to punch someone.”

“Well it didn’t have to be me. I’ll never get the stain out of this chair. It took me years to get them to give me this chair.”

“Why do I care about your chair?”

“I need it for my back.”

“So why does it matter if it’s stained?”

“I’m front of house. Clients see this chair. You know what they’re like upstairs about this sort of thing.”

“And?”

Peter gestured with his eyebrows towards the growing queue of clients waiting to check in.

“I’ll be with you in a minute,” he said cheerily through the tissue.

Very Short (Unfinished) Mondays: The Disappointing Adventure

Another unfinished one, I think I wrote it last June.  I'd quite like to come back and finish it I think...

***

The Disappointing Adventure

"Here you go," said The Leader Of The Islanders, heaving out The Large Chest Of Unimaginable Treasures.

"Oh," said the Captain Of The Pirates.  "But we only just landed.  Couldn't you just hide it from us for a bit?"

"We could," said the The Leader Of The Islanders, "but isn't this what you wanted?"

"Well, yes..." said The Captain Of The Pirates, trying to be as delicate as possible, "but we normally do a spot of plundering first."

"Well, now you don't need to," said The Leader Of The Islanders.  "Here you go," he added, nudging The Large Chest Of Unimaginable Treasures slightly closer to the pirates.

"But I was looking forward to the plundering!" said the shortest pirate, who was stood at the back where the islanders couldn't see him.

"And we were looking forward to giving you The Large Chest Of Unimaginable Treasures," said The Leader Of The Islanders.  "They don't call this The Island Of Hospitality for nothing, you know.  I'm Alan, by the way."  He offered his hand for shaking.

"I've never heard anyone call it The Island Of Hospitality," said The Captain Of The Pirates.  "I thought it was called The Island Of Bone Crushing Cannibals."

"Ah, that's because we only changed its name last week at a public meeting," said Alan, beaming.  "Two thirds majority and everything."

Some of the pirates groaned.

"Oh," said The Captain Of The Pirates.  "That is a shame.  George here was rather keen on being captured and then pulling off a daring last minute escape just before he could be cooked and eaten.  Apparently it's his favourite thing in the whole world."

He gestured towards a heavily scarred and disappointed looking pirate who was clutching a large tine with 'DEFINITELY NOT A KIT FOR CARRYING OUT DARING ESCAPES' printed on it.

***

Link of the Day: The Most Highlighted Passages From Classic Books

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short Mondays: Feathers

Another one from last May from my notebook.  This one was written because my lovely wife refuses to accept modern theories on dinosaur feathers.

***

Feathers

"Of course," said Kelly, "velociraptors were a lot smaller in real life than in the film."

"Kelly," said Horace.  "Stop ruining it.  I don't care if they were smaller or not."

"Do you care that they were covered in feathers."

"They were not covered in feathers."

"Were too."

"Don't be silly.  Let's enjoy the film."

"I'll show you."

"What?"

"I'll show you.  Come upstairs."  Kelly stood up and climbed the three flights of stairs into the loft.  Horace, begrudgingly, pressed pause and followed her.

"I've been working on it for months," said Kelly when he finally caught up with her.

"What is it?"

"It's my time machine."

"Time machine?"

"Yes."

"You've built a time machine?"

"Hopefully.  Come on."  Kelly skipped over to the contraption and climbed inside.  Horace, begrudgingly (he did most things begrudgingly), followed her.

The door closed and without any sound, without any clicks or whirrs or futuristic pips and whistles, the contraption slowly faded into nothingness.  A few seconds later, it faded back again.

"See?  I told you," said Kelly, climbing back out of the time machine.  "Feathers.  Oh."

"What?" said Horace, who was struggling a little.

"We changed something."

Horace gave himself one final heave.

"What do you - Oh."

***

Link of the Day: Thread Rainbow

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short Mondays: The Pizza

We're up to May in my notebook now.  Not sure what was going on in this story...

***

The Pizza

Jonathan took the pizza out of the oven.  It still wasn't cooked.  Why wouldn't it cook?

The oven was switched on, it was hot.  The pizza had been in there for half an hour.  It wasn't even warm.

"You've failed me," said Jessica.

Jonathan ignored her.  He always failed her.  It was practically his job to fail her.

But this time, something worried him.  The voices were one thing, but this.  This was weird.  This shouldn't be happening.

"You'd be surprised," said Ranjit, "by what some people think is normal."

It was a shame really, that this was only the first night that Jonathan noticed that some things - some actual real things that had happened - were impossible.  Otherwise he might have had time to make a plan to save himself.

***

Link of the Day: Monster Tea Party

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short (Unfinished) Mondays: Fairytale

This one is also from March, and is actually unfinished.  I may or may not come back and finish it, but I enjoyed reading it back so here it is...

***

Fairytale

Once upon a time, there lived this man.  Well, lots of men actually, the world was full of people.  I mean, not as many people as there are now, but still quite a lot of people.  Some of whom were men.  Where was I?

Oh yes.  The man.  The man owned a cat.  Or possibly a rabbit.  I'm pretty sure it was a cat though, because I've just remembered there's a rabbit coming up later in the story.  Anyway, so there was this magical cat.  With magical powers.  And it belonged to this man.  The man didn't have any magical powers, by the way.  He was just an ordinary man.  Except he was really good looking.  I mean exceptional.  He was a hunk.  Think of the best looking man you've ever seen and times it by about fifty.  Oh and he was also a prince.  Except he didn't know he was a prince yet.  He just thought he was an ordinary man.

Actually, come to think of it, that's the twist to the whole story, so just pretend I didn't tell you, and we'll carry on as if that didn't happen.

So there was this completely normal but incredibly attractive man with a cat that was basically an extremely clever wizard.

And the cat was called George.  George?  Gerald.  Tell a lie, Gerald was the man.  The cat was called The Great Flufferton.  But we can just call him Fluffy.  (Trust me, it's going to make things a lot simpler later on.)

So Gerald and Fluffy lived in this, well, it was sort of a hut really.  It was made of wood and was only about a metre square.  In fact it looked a lot like a small garden shed.  And it didn't help that it was full of spades and trowels and things.

TO BE CONTINUED?

***

Link of the Day: Chip

*** T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short Mondays: Spotting Ickenham

Another from March last year.  I'm guessing it was probably on the train on an alternative route to work during a Tube strike.

***

Spotting Ickenham

Spotters were not exactly welcome in Ickenham, and they weren't exactly rare either.  Since the Act had been passed, these Government officials were no longer required to wear their garish yellow uniform.

Since then, Government income from fines had increased sevenfold, and the good folk of Ickenham were significant contributors to this.  They had long since been identified as Agitators and Speakers Out, and their local area's disproportionate Spot Offence Record was no accident.

If the Government wished to crush dissent, then this did not have the desired effect.  At first, suspicious local began to turn on each other.  In the first two months, three ordinary citizens were wrongly identified as Spotters and attacked.  The third died of her injuries, and it was then that the tide began to turn.

Local activists Rosemary Heathfield and Callum Springer launched a voluntary tagging programme for dissenters.  All Spotters were required to check-in fortnightly at their Regional Headquarters, and tagging events were timed to coincide with these occasions.  The scheme proved so popular that the Spotters were soon identified by elimination and driven out.

With Ickenham now under local control, Heathfield and Springer began rolling out the tagging programme to surrounding areas.

Nine months later saw the inauguration of their National Authority, which would ultimate go on to prove far more intrusive and oppressive than the old and much hated Government.

***

Link of the Day: Loteria

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short Mondays: Instagram

Yet another old one.  It appears I missed out and never posted a whole load of stories from my notebook.  I wrote this one last March.

***

Instagram

Ruby opened her eyes.  Not her actual eyes, of course; no one did that any more.

The image was intermittent.  She sighed, cursed her Service Unit and gave her right eyeball a gentle flick.  It stuttered into life.

Maybe she'd make a casserole later.  She liked making casseroles.  She enjoyed the process of cooking.  She liked the smells, and she would set it on the dinner table, just watching the steam rising from it until it went cold.

Later she'd write a post about it, and update her followers on its slow decomposition until she threw it in the bin.

It would have to be vegetable though.  Meat was so expensive these days.

***

Link of the Day: Star War

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short Mondays: Flicks

Another old one, written last February.  Clearly inspired by the Odeon in Beckenham.

***

Flicks

Callum hated going to the loos in the cinema.  They were always, without fail, disgusting.

The toilet in the first cubicle was, as expected, blocked.  The second, for some reason, had three pence sitting in the bowl.  Callum smiled to himself, made a wish, threw in another coin, and went in the third.

The smell was just about bearable.

The film stank too.

***

I'm not sure if I ever decided what wish Callum made...

Link of the Day: World of Moose

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Alan & The Albatross

Happy New Year!  I'm still around.  Sort of.  Just busy.  And I apparently wrote this in November 2014.

***

Alan & The Albatross

"Hey Alan."

...

"Alan!"

"What?  I'm trying to work."

"No you're not.  You've been staring at that screen for the last half an hour."

"I was thinking."

"Oh was that what it was?"

"..."

"Alan."

"What?!"

"Check out my wingspan."

"What are you on about?"

"My wingspan.  Look, it's massive."

"Is that all?"

"No, that's not all.  In fact, it's not only massive, it's the largest wingspan of any living bird."

"I don't care."

"Go on, touch my feathers."

"No."

"Go on."

"Go away."

"They won't bite.  Go on, they're really soft.  Ask me how I keep them so soft."

"I'm busy."

"I preen."

"You preen."

"I preen supreme."

"Oh dear God."

"I'm pretty awesome."

"You're pretty annoying."

"Go on, what are you doing.  I'll help you.  Somehow."

"I doubt it."

"Oh go on.  What is it, a spreadsheet?  I'm good at spreadsheets."

"No, it's not a spreadsheet, and I can do it myself, thank you."

"Want to play catch?"

"Wha-Oh God put that down now!"

"What?"

"Those are my father's ashes."

"Ah, so they're not yours then?"

"Put.  Them.  Back."

"Oh, okay."

"Right, now piss off."

"I'm bored."

"Look, just go catch some fish, or whatever it is you're supposed to do."

"What?"

"Look, just go away."

"Just go catch some fish?  I'm not a wild animal, you know.  I didn't grow up with a mother who took me out on the open water and showed me how to hunt.  I'm an orphan."

"Look, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to-"

"Didn't mean to what?  To open old wounds?  To make me feel small?  Like a little sparrow with its little tiny wingspan, and not this massive wingspan?  Make you feel big, does it?  Bigger than this?"

"Look.  Really, I'm sorry."

"That's alright.  I'm actually vegetarian.  Do we have any cashew nuts?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Do you want to pop down the shops and get some."

"Not really, no."

"I think it's the least you could do, after what you said."

"Oh alright.  If it means I get some peace.  Do you want anything else while I'm there?"

"Steak."

"Right."

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short Wednesdays: "Shop Assistant"

"Yes, madam, can I help you?" said the shop assistant.

"No thank you," said the lady, who was not really a lady, because she was unimportant.

"Oh," said the shop assistant, who had now seen the lady who was not a lady's yellow cane.  "I see you are unimportant."

But the shop assistant did not apologise, for the not-a-lady was unimportant.

Even though she wanted to.

And this did not go unnoticed.


***

Link of the Day: Awesome Bookshelves

***

T-Shirts And Stuff | Greetings Cards And Stuff

Very Short Mondays: The Girl In The Tin Foil Wrapper

The Girl In The Tin Foil Wrapper felt cold.  She pulled in the tin foil wrapper to close any gaps.

"Why don't you just put a jumper on?" said The Man With Three Scarves.

"No," said The Girl In The Tin Foil Wrapper.  "If it's good enough for marathon runners then it's good enough for me."

"But you're not a marathon runner."

The Girl In The Tin Foil Wrapper said nothing.  It was true.  She wasn't a marathon runner.  But she had been, once.  At the finish line a man gave her the tin foil wrapper she was wearing now.

It felt good.

Though today it was a bit torn in places.

Maybe she should run another marathon.  She made a mental note to google it later.  See what came up.


***

Link of the Day: Good News!

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: The Man With Leaves On His Face

George shaved once, every year, towards the end of autumn, to remove the twiggy remains of his most unusual beard.

He didn't use any of the usual brands of razor, and instead carefully and expertly pruned his face with a pair of garden shears that had caused not a small number of nasty accidents in his younger days.

George had honed his technique since then, however, and now didn't even require the use of a mirror.

It was only now, as the Christmas season approached, that he would visit his family and friends, and allow photographs of himself to be taken.

He felt new.  Refreshed.  Ready to face the world.

Until the Spring.


***

Link of the Day: Some Things

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: The Day The Newspaper Rang

The train carriage was busy.  Not full - all of the seats were taken, but only two or three people were standing.

No one was surprised when the ringing started.  A couple of people checked their phones to see if it was them.  But it wasn't, of course.

There was one man, looking awkward in a suit and a hat, and reading a newspaper.  He knew the ringing was his.  Cautiously, he held the newspaper to his ear.

"Please listen carefully to the recorded message.  You are next.  You are next."


***

Link of the Day: Useful (well, interesting, anyway) Website List

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: Big Head

I started writing this about a month ago.  There was going to be more of it but I can't for the life of me remember what was going to happen.  But it kind of leaves some nice question marks as it is.

***

Big Head

Nicholas went out for a walk.

He hadn't been out for a walk in three months.  Hadn't been out at all, in fact.  Nor had many other people.

Big Head hadn't been seen in two days.  The sky was empty, so Nicholas thought he'd risk it.

It wasn't to last.  Of course.  Just because It hadn't been seen didn't mean It wasn't there.

It was there alright, looking down on us all.  Looking and waiting for a fresh energy source.


***

Link of the Day: Upsetting Vintage Recipes

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: The Coin-Operated Man

"Quick!" said the Coin-Operated Man as he burst through the door. "I bring terrible news!"

"What is it?" said the Professor.

"Hold on a moment," said the Coin-Operated Man. "Let me catch my breath."

"Bring his inhaler!" shouted the Professor to one of his assistants.

And the Coin-Operated Man wheezed and wheezed until they brought his inhaler.

"I'm okay now, I think," he said. "I bring terrible news. I've come to warn you of-"

Click.

"What? Come to warn us of what?" said the Professor. "Does anybody have any change?"

A sea of blank faces looked back at him. Some turned their empty pockets inside out.

"Professor," said the assistant who brought the inhaler. "I've always wondered. Why did you create the perfect Coin-Operated Man, and then give him asthma?"

"I'm not sure," said the Professor. "To make him more human, I guess. Although in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea."

"Ah well," said the assistant. "It was probably nothing. You know how melodramatic he can be."

"Yeah," chuckled the Professor.

And so, we never saw Them coming.


***

Link of the Day: Women Listening To Men

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: Scarecrow

Ingredients: two broom handles, lots of strong, a couple of nails, some old rags and a football.

And a childlike enthusiasm for adventure.

This would never make a convincing replica, but Alishia didn't care.  She was going exploring today.  And that was all that mattered.


***

Link of the Day: Obama's Other Terrible Secret

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: The Boy Who Ran Home With Dirty Knees

Must.  Keep.  Running.

Mustn't.  Stop.

He'd never been caught before.

Oh God, this was exhausting.

He was scratched from crawling under the fence.  He could feel its sting in the skin on his knees.

His knees were filthy.

How was he going to explain this to Mum?  She'd kill him.

More to the point, how was he supposed to smuggle this satchel past her eagle eyes?

He wasn't supposed to visit Grandad.

It was forbidden.


***

Link of the Day: Herikita

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: The Long Way Round The Coffee Table

Back on schedule!  Here we go...

***

The Long Way Round The Coffee Table

Jonas put the remote control down, slowly.  He took off his 3D glasses, but it made no difference.  He stood up and walked the long way round the coffee table, out of arm's reach of the television.  Never turning his back for a second.  He picked up the rifle he kept behind the door, and aimed it at the TV.  He fired, and kept firing, until they stopped reaching for him.

He always knew they'd come, but this...

This was a surprise.


***

Link of the Day: Thrift Store Paintings

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: Armica Logistics

Another short story from the world of Armand Sland.  It's all slowly coming together...

***

Peter Stroud dropped his father's executive desktop toys unceremoniously into the bin.  He was going to make this office clean, uncluttered and efficient.  There were still competitors operating Government contracts, and presenting their own altered version of reality in the media, and this could not be tolerated.

His secretary, Anna, buzzed through.  His three o'clock had arrived.  Peter told her to let him in.  Then he told her to pack his things.

Yes, thought Peter.  If this business was to continue growing, some difficult decisions would have to be made.

He pulled out his file on the Minister, and prepared to welcome him into his office.



***

Link of the Day: Just in time for his Solo

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Very Short Mondays: Fingers and Toes

Felix hung onto the ledge, and hoped they wouldn't find him here.  This was only the second Manhunt under the Fugitive Act, and he wanted no part in it.

Ten people were caught refusing to participate in the first one, and Felix had watched the court case on live TV.  He knew he had no chance of a fair trial.

Even if those ten people ever walked free, they'd been branded unpatriotic.  No employer would give them an interview.  No shopkeeper would sell them a loaf of bread.  They'd given up all rights to the benefits system.  All rights to free healthcare.  Their only chance of nutrition and care would be an extremely long incarceration.

Felix's toes and fingertips were really beginning to hurt now.


***

Link of the Day: Prometheus' Punishment

***

Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women